my bank account is so mysterious....

Huh.. the money in my bank account never seems to really change.. it neither goes up or down no matter how many times I deposit money in an "attempt" to save money.

This sucks. I spend as much as I can save. So in essence.. I don't gain anything if I somehow manage to get my hands on money (no job anymore, YES!). I might go back to my old work place for a month during winter break to get some cash for xmas presents but I love not having to wake up so early in the morning now. 

ANYFUCKINGWAYS, a few things I bought last week..

Tiffa Perfume 

It's the scent I've always been looking for! There were 3 to choose from, but I chose the yellow one which is the fruity scent (peachy in my opinion). The pink smelled kinda rosey and the blue smelled like soap. Downside is.. the scent doesn't stay throughout the day.. it fades away within a few hrs, and by a few hrs I mean like 2-3 hours.

Naive Hand Cream

Isn't THE CONTAINER CUTE???? Looks are deceiving, the lotion itself doesn't smell like peach, just very.. lotion-esque. This has become my official LOVE. I'm a freak who washes my hands CONSTANTLY (the idea of OCD has been thrown around by my parents and friends) like.. I'll seriously wash my hands BEFORE I go to the bathroom and AFTER I go to the bathroom.. I don't realize it until later when my hands are eventually dry and yucky from all the washing. I've used Curel, Lubriderm, and Nivea. I still like Lubriderm but this cream is very comparable to Nivea, only better. :) At a buck a tin, HELLS YES I'm gonna stock up. Plus.. it's very purse-backpack-friendly.

Chanel Facial Moisturizer

Wow. WAS super hesitant about buying this because normally i use drug store moisturizers and maybe shit from sephora that costs a max of 30 bucks (with the exception of Ren.. which sucks). I ran out of my normal everyday moisturizer (clogged up my pores anyways, screw it), so I was tempted to get this shit from Dermalogica but when i saw that small ass tube at THAT price.. plus the few reviews on makeupalley that said it made them itchy.. no spank you. This was a just a coincidence that I stumbled onto some girl's makeup blog (forgot who, wasn't bookmarked, seriously bummed) and DUDE HER SKIN WAS AMAZING! Then she said she had combo skin that leaned towards being oily and sensitive and come on, that's fits my skin's description to the tee!! So I've been using this for a week now.. and I'd like to declare this to be my new found lover. We have this sizzlin relationship and he brings out the best in me! It's like.. 65 bucks though.. not loving his price but I'll deal since I'll never break up with him. *sigh* The price of love.

Premium Magic B.B Cream

Whitening, Wrinkle, SPF 15

Not bad. Can't say too much about it because I've only used it once. I think I put on too much because I ended up looking more greasy than dewy. It's supposedly sort of like a tinted moisturizer. It's a blemish balm that has decent coverage and most people use a setting powder over it to keep themselves from looking too dewy. I'm going to wait for my tan to fade away even more before I try using it again because even though it's only a one-shade-suits-all kinda thing, it leans more towards those who are pale (easy for me, just gotta wait a few days). I did realize the next day that this retarded pimple I had on my forehead the day before mysteriously disappeared though. Coincidence? Maybe.. or perhaps the balm really does work.. who knows? LOL! 

Ignore the prescription cream there, it's for my eyes. 

My new HG lotion makeup remover!!!

This shit is awesome. Better than lancome bi-facil and mac wipes! I hated lancome bi-facil.. it's overpriced and that shit is so oily. I saw this on Pink's and anne's makeup blog (i visit a lotta people's blogs) and this seemed interesting so I wanted to try it out. SOOOO GLAD I DID. 11 bucks a bottle.. not too shabby.

Mac makeup wipes

Shit what am I gonna do with these? Top one only has like 2 sheets left.. but the bottom is a full 100 wipes.. hmm.. probably gonna give it to my sister. She JUST got into makeup wipes, right when I'm sick of them. They're pretty good but I just like my new makeup remover better.

So I've been ebaying a lot and sold a bunch of my books for a total of $300 plus dollars. Sad thing is.. my bank account has only gone up by $150 because I've been shopping. I bought this cute jacket (winter's coming) but no pic of it yet. Maybe I'll get my bf to snap a pic of me in it tonight when we go to Sonics (heard it's ghetto but the food is ghettofab). 

WOOHOO I managed to squeeze this blog in before getting ready to go! Gotta get to the post office to mail my shit off to some girl in Loma Linda. 

*SHIOCKKKK* Fuck you Sprinkles cupcake stores and your gay ass long lines. I've heard about a new store that rivals yours! I'll do a taste-test sometimes this week.

OMG THIS REMINDS ME! MY JERK-OF-A-BOYFRIEND just told me that last week he ate WHITECASTLE burgers! Not the freezer kind but the real kind. Jerk didn't even save one for me. HMPH! 

Ok, time to go and get ready. I still have a week and a half left of summer. YES!

Katie

ahoy there!

Just wanted to let the few readers that I have know I will be M.I.A. for possibly.. a few days. No real reason why, unless you'll accept my little paths of side-trackedness (SOOOO not a word hahahaha). 

The list begins..

1. Will be busy moving the rest of my junk into my apartment and getting settled in (school starts soon!)

2. I have discovered a new game for my Nintendo DS that has held my interest for 2 days now, so give me a few more days and MAYBE I'll get bored.. soon enough (doubt it). 

3. I've been running around getting packaging materials almost everyday now and going to the post office to ship things lately (selling a bunch of my old manga and shit). It's an attempt to clear out my room in my house. 

4. I've been.. shopping. AHA.. HA.. HA. I have an upcoming blog about money in general soon and my one peso about it (2 cents is too much). 

I will say this, I've run out of my usual perfume (such a rare thing as I alternate between 2 diff ones).. so yea both are empty.. and I've been too lazy to go buy more.. so on my little adventure umm.. 2-3 days ago when me and the bf were finding things to do, places to go, blah blah blah because we were bored.. I found that a shop I used to go to a lot was selling more brands now. I found this perfume that smells REALLLLLLLY nice.. I've always been on the hunt for a perfume that has a nice peach scent to it but all the ones I've smelled before kinda smelled all cheap and BO-ish. This one was wonderful~! We'll see if it gets tacky or if I get sick of it but I'll talk about it next time. 

ALSOOO.. as many have probably heard of BB cream and all the hoopla about it, yes I recently got one, no I haven't made up my mind about it yet. From the get go, I can see WHY people say it makes them get that "dewy" and "glowy" effect.. it's thicker than tinted moisturizer and has ok coverage. Definitely not for people with dark or tan skin because these are kind of a "one color suits all" type.. which favors us pale chicks (by us I do mean my ghostly white ass plus family). I might use it later once school starts up (too lazy for foundation).. so we'll see if it really does prevent/clear up blemishes and shiznat. Without some kind of blotting powder though.. you CAN possibly become a greaseball.. there's a fine line between greasy and dewy.. and BB cream  can lean towards both. ANYWHOODLES, back to my DS game. 

Oh. My brows aren't all ape like anymore. I've managed to pluck them (to those who knew the situation, congrats to me right? lol)

So growing out my brows made me remember what the real shape of my brows were like.. SCARY. Normal people have an angled arch.. a nice curve. I inherited my dad's genes of the scary devil brows. I don't know how to describe it.. maybe I'll post a picture next time.. along with the other stuff I said I'd talk about. :) 

-Katie

what if?

According to my tracker I officially have no more readers!! WOOHOO!! No seriously, thank god. It was kind of painful for me to force my dull boring blogs onto people just for them to go "wtf.. so many words to say something so little" but now I'm free to type as I please without worrying about putting people to sleep! 

My nails are still in tip top shape (surprise surprise) but they're getting longer and it's harder to type with them. I went shopping these past two days for the rest of my apartment gear and woah, I'll racked up that credit card bill this month. Almost maxed out actually.. and my limit's pretty freaking high. I finally bought train cases (yes, plural) for my makeup.. now they'll be safe and protected! 

My love life.. well.. shit happened blah blah blah but in the end, we're giving it another go (not a surprise) after he went to find condolence from his mother after we fought yesterday. She basically called him stupid and said that whatever I said, goes. LOL!! I love that woman! She convinced me to let things go (lured me in by saying Christian will take me to dinner, which he found out about later) and yea.. I guess things are ok. I've given up all hope on ever changing Christian. He'll always choose his friends and break promises. I just have to face the facts that's the type of person he is. So.. I've lifted all promises, rules, and regulations. He's  free to do whatever he wants, go wherever he wants, be home at whatever time and no I won't call him and he doesn't have to call me. All that just ends up in a big fight and i don't care for that crap anymore.

I'm trying out a new face wash right now. I realize that I never even finish a bottle before I switch to a new one. Dermalogica Clay Cleanser can kiss my ass! I'm still recovering from the massive invasion of breakouts!!!!!!! Before Dermalogica, I was using Ren because that brand is new and makes organic skincare products.. but the facewash I got for combination skin just didn't do ANYTHING.. it was actually kind of drying and for that price, I'd rather not look like a peeling prune. *SIGH* Before THAT one, I was using Earth Science gentle facial scrub. I had mixed feelings about that. I actually went through a whole tube.. it FELT like it was doing a good job but my pores seemed to be more clogged than usual.. not sure if it was because of the wash or the moisturizer (also changes with the face wash). Before THAT, I THINK I was using Biore pore unclogging scrub. I really liked that one but I started breaking out after a while and even to this day I'm not sure if it was the wash or something else I was using at the time. Before THAT I was using Desert Essence face wash.. it was decent but didn't seem to improve much of anything. My very first wash was by Olay for sensitive skin.. can't even remember what that one was like. I've used Bio-Oil as a sort of leave in moisturizer at night before, it was pretty good for results but I didn't like how it felt on my face because.. well.. it's oily.

Before I end this.. I want to share something that I've come to realize. Once you've truly liked someone, that feeling stays with you throughout the years. You can see some couples who break up only to become each other's best friend later on in life.. even they've each found someone else to be with. That intimate and loving feeling isn't erased just because the relationship went sour. Then you have the couples who break up and forever hate each others' guts. They hope for the worst for each other and promise that they'll kill the other if they ever see each other again. That hatred is so strong that it lasts with them throughout the years and they never once forget about the other. To me, that's probably a twisted image of what used to be love. They are still so much in love that they hate each other for it, for letting their relationship turn so bad. 

I'm not saying all couples are like this. Crushes can be like this too. The ones you can really remember, not the one that's like.. "His name's John, he was in my first grade class, he passed me a piece of paper, but I don't remember what he looks like and I don't remember his last name. I liked him though." I mean the one where you can close your eyes.. and you can remember exactly what he or she looked like.. maybe a smile.. or maybe a position you'd always see him or her standing or sitting down in. The face isn't a blur, you can make it out perfectly. You remember the name and maybe you can even remember what YOU were like back when you were crushing. But that's all it was, a crush. Years go by and suddenly you encounter each other again after a long time of not seeing each other. If that crush was more than a crush, say it was a love connection on both sides that were never expressed, you'd have no problems catching up and greeting each other. There is no awkward "who are you" or silence. No doubt there will be an inward feeling of happiness to see each other again that both of you probably can't stop smiling, talking, or looking. Maybe your stomach might even start making weird movements and you get a little queasy from the sudden encounter with "the one that got away". 

Maybe this all sounds like bs.. but try it. Find that person who you used to crush on the MOST.. or that ex who you used to be attached to at the hip.. see if you feel any of the above. 

This all just kinda dawned on me today.. I won't even hide what the incident was. Me and Christian went to eat dinner in Cerritos at the restaurant that a guy I used to like (a LOT, 2 year crush) works at currently. We've gone to the restaurant only once before.. and the feeling I described above was what I felt both times I've been there. Christian knows that I used to like the guy a lot, but they've become good friends and he trusts both of us (even though the guy had admitted to Christian that he did used to like me as well, surprise to my ears really). 

I forgot to mention that with those feelings above.. come a kind of heavy feeling. One of sadness maybe? Or maybe it's reality that settled in. 

Both times I've felt those feelings above.. but at the same time I've also felt the reality that I USED to like him and that we both have lives we're content with. Sure the attraction's still there but there's a firm understanding that the crush was to remain unacknowledged and life is good as it is. Kind of a sense that those nice feelings described above are for something that's out of reach now. 

It's not a bad thing, as sad as it sounds I guess? You'd understand if you talk to an ex you were close with or a mutual crush that lasted a while. You'd agree that you feel that intimate connection but you both know there's an unspoken feeling that keeps you two from reaching that intimate level again. I may sound stupid typing up all this mumbo jumbo but it's just something I'm tossing around in my head. 

By the way, that guy was there from the beginning. He basically saw me transition from my fatass self to who I am today. I was kind of a fatass when I met my first boyfriend. I had a small crush on the guy already but it wasn't going to happen. He did meet my first boyfriend though and he also saw me through the period when the breakup happened. Come to think of it, I always went to talk to him when something big happened or something small. I guess I was just kind of an annoying little high schooler who kept finding him just to stutter and talk about dumb things. Then came Christian. They met and WOAH.. became friends. People even say they look alike and ask if they're brothers. Weird? Yes. Their interests are in the same things but their appearance and personalities are completely different. I can't help but smile sometimes when we see his face but after liking someone for so long, how can you not? I'd never do anything behind Christian's back, nor would the guy. It's just kind of funny how things work out in the end. The guy I used to like is now making sexual comments with my current boyfriend. Yup. They're a match made in heaven. 

............... freaks. They both look like elves too.

-Katie

Happy day before labor day everyone!

I hope everyone enjoys their vacation day tomorrow if you've started school or work. To those of you like me who haven't started yet, HOORAY for another bummy day!

Alrighhhhhhhty then, just a recap about what I did today and some pictures!

Woke up at like.. 8:40 AM or so to the sound of my sister fumbling around with paper on my desk. She wanted to scan and copy some things from her book but I smelled something fishy because it's Sunday, that copying can wait, and WHAT DO YOU WANTTT? 

She wanted to go to dim sum. At 11 or 11:30. Ok, so why get me up? To make sure I'm going to go and be on time. OY!!!! GAN NI!! (hasn't been noticed yet but throughout my blogs, I use chinese when i have no other way to express my feelings)

So off to dim sum we went. DANNNNNNG there were so many people waiting to get in that restaurant.. they were packed inside and flooding outside. Didn't wait too long though, as I firmly believe my mother is part of some kind of underground asian mafia. Me and my cousins have all tossed this idea around and we all are very convinced of it now. 

Mother dropped me off at home for a little bit so she could do her hair but later came back and picked me up while Jess and Ross went to Ikea. Where did we go? Off to a baker of mooncakes! Normally we buy traditional Cantonese style mooncakes (typical square ones you all see) but there's been a growing popularity among these two bakers who work from home and create Taiwanese style mooncakes (harder to find). It's run by a couple, and the wife just happened to be the cousin of Jessica, who is married to my cousin Jackie! I had a slice of it and ooomg, they were wonderful. 

This was the best picture I could find of the taiwanese style. It's a flakey white bun, usually stamed with a red trademark on the top and filled with various things from sweets to meat.

We are now prepared for the mid-autumn festival (not a real festival, it's a holiday)! Mark your calenders everyone and prepare to consume many mooncakes! But uhh.. I hope you all keep it smart because it's a well known fact that canto-style mooncakes are about 1,000 Calories each while Taiwanese can go up to about 700 Calories each. Don't get chubby now!

So after that we went to dinner at my uncle's sushi place (Yoshi's Sushi located in Yorba Linda if you're curious) and while Jess and Ross went to rent movies, me and my mom went to deliver a box of mooncakes to my old babysitter (grew up with her). DUDE! Everything about their house has changed!! The color.. the patio.. the lawn.. the stairs.. the inside.. the backyard.. everything! It made me a little nostalgic being inside but at the same time, so many things had changed. :) My old babysitter didn't even recognize me and couldn't believe how much I've changed. That woman taught me how to play blackjack, turtle, and other stuff!! I LOVE HER!! 

We then went off to drop a box of mooncakes at my great grand uncle's house and finally went home. =D I saved a box for Christian's family.. hopefully they'll like it? 

Ok, so like I had said in my previous post, I dyed my hair. Here we go!

With flash

Natural daylight

SOOOOO much better than my old hair nasty dull faded brown that was flat and over 8 months old. LOL. Jessica bets my hair will turn orange in two days because I did it myself. HMPH!

Now, the ring Christian got me! 

It's a cheapy ring and you guys might not like it but I love it so take that! :D YEA!

Oh and now the nails I painted.. don't laugh. I added rhinestones because I felt like it.

with flash

without flash

Now the sad thing is, I only did one hand because I can't paint well with my left.. so I have one hand painted and the other bare. :) YAy!

Ok that's all for today. Toodles!

-Katie

I DYED MY HAIR!! NO, SERIOUSLY, I DID!!!!

Might not come as a shocker to some, but I am one lazy hoebag. When it comes to coloring my hair, I've always gone to the same salon, had the same stylist, paid the same amount, but never for the same color. Usually.. a slight trim of my super dead and dry hair (now revived after growing it out and hacking off the dead).. will cost roughly 60 bucks at my salon. Color.. let's not go there.. we'll just say my total usually ends at $120-$160 ish range, depending on how I decide to color cut or bleach. Yea I know, for the thrifty spending readers out there, this is a major WHAT THE FUCK kinda thing. I never really thought about dying my own hair until recently. 

Today me and Christian (on tolerable terms right now) were going around running errands (aka.. buying more stuff for my apartment). While Ulta wasn't on the list.. my feet magically ended up inside.. and I see myself staring at the hair coloring section! It was so strange.. almost like sleep walking! :)

Needless to say, Christian wasn't too surprised (ha.. ha) yet he wasn't too bummed either because he wanted to change his hair color as well in time for his passport picture. He chose the same brand as me (fucking copycat, he just giggles like a teletubby) but he chose a color a few shades lighter than mine. We quickly finish the rest of my errands and hurry back to my house to get play with our new toys. 

I went first. I mixed my color together and let me tell you my first reaction. THIS SHIT STINKS!!!! Yes I've smelled dye before, yes I knew it didn't smell good, BUT.. I've never had it that close to my face before and that really clears up your sinuses almost as good as wasabi! I finished up after a while (thick hair I tell you), and mixed Christian's color together for him because.. apparently he can't on his own. I dyed his hair all around but he ended up using the extra dye to make his hair spike up.. weirdo. We didn't make TOO much of a mess but the bathroom STANNNNNNNK (door was open, fan was on) and even just walking around the house made the place smell like dye (my house is itty bitty). 

Results?

Christian's hair is obviously more flashy but mine's richer and COOLER YOU LITTLE PRICK!! :( When we were purchasing the dye, he kept saying that his color was better. 

I still need to get my hair cut, it's a nice moppy mop right now. 

We headed over to Life plaza because I was craving a crepe. Now, I told Christian to order whatever he wanted but he only wanted a Lemon Juice with Jelly. So.. I ordered a Tiramisu Crepe, and I specifically told him that I won't share because I am a greedy muncher. 

SOOOOOOOO guess who ended up eatting half of the crepe? *hmph*

We went over to the Plaza Walk and I saw Diana working at Vanille! :( She seemed busy though so I didn't want to bother her. We looked around and I saw this really cute ring that had 2 hearts facing in the same direction and I don't know.. it's kinda cheesy looking but I really liked it. It was the only one there and when I tried it on, and it fit (well.. middle finger) but still! It wasn't too expensive but it wasn't something I HAD to have, so I decided not to get it. Surprise surprise, Christian ACTUALLY got it and paid for it. HELL froze over I tell you. It seriously must have. This boy rarely buys me anything unless it's my bday or xmas (apparently anniversaries aren't in his book). I don't harass him about buying me things but this move surprised me. I think he felt bad about our fights lately.. maybe..

We went to his favorite store, iKicks, and he scoped it out but didn't see anything too awesome or new. I thought that was weird because he usually sees SOMETHING. I saw the back of this neglected shoe in the corner and pulled it off the shelf while Christian was browsing. It was pretty unique and I actually really liked it for some odd reason. I grabbed Christian and showed him my little baby (I was literally cradling it) and he flipped. Apparently, he loves it too. LOL. He tried them on, says they're ok, but one look at his face and you can tell he totally wanted to just walk out with them on his feet. *sigh* How can you say no? I paid when he was looking at other shoes near the window and gave him the bag outside. :) He looked like a kid who just got candy. 

You know.. this actually makes me want to cry. We used to always be like this.. you know, spending time together, running errands together, guessing what the other likes and surprising them, starting projects or trying something new together, walking in random directions holding hands or each other, just talking about stupid things that don't really matter in life, just.. communicating. There are so many times when I've gotten so mad that I try wishing myself to forget him and trying to convince myself that I don't really love him. It never works because you can't hide what's real.. 

What's real? What do I know? What's that nagging thought at the back of my mind whenever I get so fed up that I want to end it with him?

.. well.. i SUPPOSE.. that maybe I'm more in love with him than I want to be. 

Or is that another way of hiding the truth that I might possibly hate him?

I'll never know. I always let my emotions get the best of me and like my ex-boss said.. "you wear your heart on your sleeve. I'll tell you right now that's part of your charm, but it makes you vulnerable to the world."

I think I'd like to agree with that. All right, pictures of my hair next time and I'll show my attempt to do the nails from the previous post.

-Katie

Badonk donk!

AhhHHHHHHHHH!! 

Ok it's nothing. BUT. 

Yesterday I was trying to paint my nails the way it's pictured below.

Yea super fucking awesome huh? Too bad they turned out like crap on my own nails. You win some you lose some. I'll try again in another hour or so. 

Am I still mad at Christian? You can bet your life on it! 

Anywhos, I would just like to say that I like eat pilaf.. but the word itself.. makes me inwardly giggle, but I'm not sure why. Pilaf. Pilaf? piiiiiiiiilaf?

Ok I'm off before yall think I'm a weird ass bitch, although that's not too far from the truth. 

-Katie

to wish on a star.. is a waste of time.

I wish I may..

I wish I might..

To have the strength to admit defeat. (Relationship rant as a warning)

It's been no secret around here that me and Christian have been having problems.. and as much as I'd like to think he's sincerely willing to change.. it's just gotten so much worse. Those girls who see their bfs constantly.. or even live with them.. can probably agree with me on the fact that they're bf has more or less become their best friend. Your relationship may be intimate but he is the person you feel the most comfortable around.. someone who you can be yourself to. 

That being said, not seeing him or hanging out with him for a day, or even up to a week, can seem pretty nerve wrecking because you don't know what he's doing. As much as you think you TRUST him.. you really don't, and men being the MEN that they are, don't catch on to that, so basically, they're not helping the situation much when they go out and do stupid things.

Christian.. doesn't understand any of this. He says he understands, he says he knows, but when I actually questioned what exactly it was he thought he knew, he couldn't give me an answer. Not one single answer.

I'm not your wild college girl. I don't go out partying that much and I don't want to go out shopping everyday despite how much money I do end up spending. I'm pretty bland and boring compared to most people despite the "image" I APPARENTLY (according to others) give off. 

If you're the type who LOVES to go out in groups to restaurants for dinner outtings everyday, I'm the type who prefers to kick it at home and eat take-out from my fridge or make myself some sushi, noodles, or sandwich. 

Don't get me wrong, I'm not a complete loser! When I'm out with my friends, that's one thing. But if I had the choice of being lazy and relaxing, I'd take that up in a heartbeat. I love ATV riding, snowboarding, the works. But there are just so many things I like to savor and relish, such as my time off from school and work. I've only got a month of summer (not left, start to finish) and I'm going to soak up as much lazy time as I possibly can before I go to the massive campus of UCLA. Do you know how many times I got lost? But I digress..

What does this have to do with my relationship problems? Almost everything. Christian complains about how I don't like to go out or having him come over. It irritates me when he comes over because within an hour he'll get mad and start whining about how boring it is and such and such. I say it's ok for him to hang out with his friends every so often but he does it EVERY SINGLE DAY (except sunday dunno why), and he gets home at 1-2 AM.. usually no calls or anything until he's almost home (by then I'm pissed). The last time just put the candle on my big fat chocolate cake. He doesn't call me all day, and when I call his house nobody picks up. He has no cell phone even though I bought him the Shadow from T-mobile last year, so it's almost impossible to reach him. Little did I know that he had taken his dad's cell phone that day but STILL didn't let me know or anything. He calls when he's back home (2 AM), and says he was just out with the friends playing video games. Yeah ok, you say that everyday. His stupid trips are usually from 12-1/2 AM.. so that's a whole 12 hours of gaming? You're shittin me right? Even if it was from 4 PM - 2 Am.. that's 10 hours of sitting still. You can't even sit still at my house for an hour and you expect me to believe you can sit for 10? EVERYDAY of the FUCKING WEEK? 

Oh and to make things so much better, the next day he came by to apologize for being the ass that he is (I won't explain why), we decided to go to CVS in his car (I was looking for a certain nail polish). The minute I opened his door, all I could smell was ALCOHOL and something like.. rotting pizza.. or something. He had a half full bottle of jack daniels in trunk that was sealed tight apparently. I asked him where it came from. He said his friend left it in his car. So he wasn't gaming? He said his friends came over because they got kicked out early from a party and left it in his car. Well, if he was gaming, and his friends came over to the house, why are they anywhere near his car, let alone with his trunk up so that they can put it in and conveniently forget it there? 

Seriously, this crap isn't even the new to me. I've been lied to so many times by him that it's SERIOUSLY not that hard to know he's lying his ass off. People might think that I'm overreacting and being stupid, but I told you the other lies he's pulled off in the past, you wouldn't even give him the time of day. 

There's so many things I want to say.. but I can't.. because in the end, anybody could read this and blab about my stories. THEN, I always get in trouble because it's like.. "oh why did you tell them that?" blah blah blah.. shit though, seriously? If you're ok with what you say and the things you do, why can't I publish it? People act so ashamed of the shit they do when it's about to be put down in writing but they'll do it again when nobody is paying attention. 

That little pansy says he's scared to lose me but he keeps making the same mistakes over and over again. Breaking the same promises every week. I even threatened to end it all and he got all defensive saying I'm overreacting to everything instead of apologizing. One thing about him, he never apologizes unless I ask for it.

I don't know. I feel like I'm wasting my time. He has my website address but I know he hates reading anything beyond the title of a magazine, so I know he won't read this. BUT IF YOU DO CHRISTIAN, I'M SO MAD AT YOU!

What irks me the most? When he breaks a promise and later instead of saying sorry, he says "Oh you're mad over something like that?" ...... dude. Come on. You broke a promise, MULTIPLE TIMES. I kinda sorta have these things called FEELINGS and this tiny little thing called FAITH in you.. but no really, just ignore them, they aren't TOO important right?

I'm so tired of arguing and fighting.. but whenever I break it off, I can't help but take him back again. I'll officially be moving to my apartment in LA in mid September.. maybe that'll help. New environment, and even if we fought, it's not like we can just run over to see each other in the blink of an eye to make up. Sounds messed up but that's what I'm hoping for. 

I'm just so tired of crying and waiting. People say relationships are built on trust.. but I have no shred of trust in him at all because I know what he's capable of. So what kind of relationship do I have? 

Laugh at how pathetic this post may sound but this feeling, it's not uncommon to everyone. We all experience it multiple times in our lives. The only difference is, how we each deal with it and how we interpret the ways it was overcome.. if it was at all.

wo hao nan guo..

-Katie